These past few days were the hardest part… there’s guilt, frustration, loneliness, sadness, denial and the list goes on… all the negative words you can think of that would equal to HURT. Hate is a very strong word, and I know kahit masakit yung nangyari I didn't have the strength to be mad at him.. All I wanted to do is just stay home, stay in bed (forever kung pwede lang), cry the whole time and just dwell on what happened… Yes, this is the worst Christmas ever (for me that is).. Imagine the pain I felt, excited to go back home and just see him, hug him… be with him… tapos ayun, mawawala pala syo.. I completed simbang gabi prayed to God for things to be better for us, bless me with my xmas wish.. I’ve been a good girl naman e.. ONE miracle lang..

But then I realized, I did everything I can to save the relationship.. but I can only do so much… buti nalang my true friends, my besty sister and family were there to support me.. I know they’re sick and tired of hearing my story, my dramas and see my never ending tears.. but hey, break-ups are never easy.. (ni-hindi nga ako makakain eh)

I found myself eager to go to Baclaran church, (imagine nakapag Baclaran pa ko! last wednesday nanaman daw of 2008.) and I’m with a good friend I didn’t expect na pumupunta dun.. (Super thank you Pat… you were always there for me.) It was my first time in Baclaran church and honestly, it felt good. As in, nakatulong sha ng malaki! After praying, I felt at peace, relieved.. lighter… see things in a positive way..Iniyak ko na lahat and lifted everything to God, sha na bahala. The past few days were hell, however, I know that God is preparing me for something much better. The best is yet to come!
“I still thank you Lord, I know things happen for a reason. You wont give me something that you and I can’t handle..”

Shattered.. confused… lost…
Those are the words that I can think of that best describes what I’m feeling right now.. alam mo ung feeling na parang nasira lahat ng plans, hopes and dreams mo..

Breaking up is never fun. The end of a relationship means the beginning of a period of mourning, sadness and grief. The person being broken up with will definitely have to adjust, first to being rejected and second to life without somebody they still care for. Ang sakit, sobra.. At first, you still wish na baka nga meron pang hope, may chance pa.. baka kaya pang ayusin then suddenly, you’ll realize and wake up one morning na wala na talaga… You wish you could bring back the times that you were both just happy and you wish na hindi mo na ginawa ung mga bagay that made your relationship fall apart.. But you can only do so much..

I got into writing which is definitely not me, (hello, ako pa!) for those people who knows me talaga, will never think I’d do this.. But maybe here, I can say everything.. nang matapos na yung sakit na nararamdaman ko.. malabas ko na lahat and maybe one day, I'll wake up and be over him..
Its so hard to move on especially when you know you gave everything and you both made plans for the future na, umasa ka and of course you felt its HIM na.. I went home for christmas just to hear those painful words, (sana ndi nalang ako umuwi). But as they say, the truth hurts. I give him credit for somehow being honest with me and putting me out of my misery. It sooo painful na bakit hindi ka man lang niya pinaglaban. Hindi man lang i-try to fix things if there’s still love… Ang dami kong questions...pero I think its better not knowing nalang..

I spent my vacation with friends and family.. Obviously, they will say things to comfort you.. (he doesn’t deserve you, you’ll find someone better who will treat you right, not your loss, etc.) but deep inside isa pa rin naman ung gusto mo mangyari… to get back together and baka naman God can give me one miracle..HIM...

As I end this journal, I know I'm in the stage of "denial"...pa rin... i need time to heal and be strong again.. I know God will never abandon me, God is good... Things will be better... someday....