for the first time...



I cried the other day for the first time in a very long time... why? .... by watching City of Angels! Honestly, didn't like the movie at first because of its sad ending but it made me realize that she was lucky to love and be very loved in return.
At first, watery eyes lang then the scene with Nicholas Cage came "I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss of her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One. ". The tears just wont stop after!

I think what I felt that day was mixed emotions.. from the film and from what Im experiencing. I'm starting to fall for someone who doesn't even know what love means... tough? You could say I'm a masochist! Should I wait for him to love me back or is it really impossible for him and maybe I should just walk away and move on? I want to be right this time... someone told me I'm the director of my life... True! But it's just hard to walk away...
It feels really bad when you fall in love with someone you can’t have or doesn't love you back. It feels even worse when you are sure that this relationship can never work out. I think that this is the worst thing that could ever happen to someone. I believe that to forget someone is one of the hardest “assignments” given in life. Therefore all of these thoughts crossing my mind drove me deeply into the psychology of what is called falling wrongly into love.


Maybe I'm paranoid, perhaps there is hope in this relationship... or maybe not... either way, I have to be wiser this time. I always get myself into a difficult situation/relationship... with this, im unhappy... im always the one trying to adjust and solve the problem or fix 'HIM'! i just wanted a normal relationship, someone who can just love and accept me for who i am and who's not scared of me loving him back so much. Im with someone, yes, he makes me happy at times but is that good enough? I cant even be myself with him... scared of losing him in the end... why am i soo scared that someone will leave me again?? why cant i leave them for a change??? im so scared to be wrong, to make a mistake... but sadness and depression is killing me.

"Lord, help me to make the right decision... to see things clearly and be strong for whatever decision i make"

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